December 18, 2022

Dear Dad-

Six years have passed since you were last with us. I was recently asked about whether it has gotten any easier. I am not sure I can say it has, but I focus on the dream you told me about Heaven. My thoughts a few days ago were about what Christmas is like in Heaven. Is there a birthday party or is it just another day? Is every day like a party? I have so many questions. 

I would say that the hardest part of you being gone is seeing my children miss you. When Lia comes to me and asks,  “why do I only have 3 memories of Grandpa?” She feels bad because she cannot remember more. Then trying to remind her she was only seven years old. I tell her she is lucky she has the great memories she does have, even if it is only 3 or 4. We talk about some children who will not have any memories of their grandma or grandpa. I tell her to hang on tight to those memories and to replay them often. As I write this, I have the thought I should encourage her to journal about them as well so she will always have them. 

This weekend Lia asked me about my most favorite memory I have of you, Dad. I told her I was not sure that I could pick. She continued to look at me and wait for an answer. The memories played through my mind almost like I was flipping through an album. Some of them made me smile, some of them made my eyes get a little wet, and some made me think about how I should have reacted. I ended up saying that I guess if I had to pick one it would be you sitting in the stands at a football game or a basketball game as I cheered. This made me question why did I not pick my wedding day or when Dillon was born. Or maybe even a graduation day, whether it was high school or college. As I think back to my cheerleading days though I was surrounded by a great coach and some great friends. I also think about how this would have been shortly after we found out that you had cancer. It was all still so new to us. There were so many unknowns and probably as a teenager I wasn’t really even sure how I was supposed to process it all. I just knew when I continued to do what I loved to do, you were there supporting me, smiling, and having fun. It was a time we didn’t have to really think about what was going on with your health. The memories of those games and you in the stands still bring a smile to my face. 

I know the kids do not understand why they had to lose their grandpa, but I know they learned some good life lessons. I pray that they will be able to encourage a friend who has a loved one fighting cancer. I pray that they can have that encouraging smile for someone who just has finished another round of chemo. I hope they will pray daily for family members and friends still fighting cancer. I hope they have learned about the power of prayer. 

Thanks for fighting as long as you did Dad. We are only being selfish when we miss you. You fought a good fight and you deserve to be in the most glorious place.