Yesterday JJ and the kids went to Ida for a golf outing. I was excited for some alone time. Some peace and quiet. However, as I thought about today I am not sure how I truly felt. I would have moments of thinking I needed this peace and quiet to moments of my mind wandering too much. I thought about how can I really give good advice to JJ about adjusting to his mom being gone when I am still figuring it out. I thought about how Lia has now had more times celebrating your birthday without you than with you. I thought about how you won’t be there for Dillon’s senior year. I thought about how when both kids are on the football field performing their pregame show or halftime show I will still wish you could be standing next to me leaning against the fence. I wish you could hear them when they play the “train” or “tomahawk”. I know you would think it was pretty cool. I wish you could watch Dillon as he plays the tenor drums. I wish you could be asking me if I want a bag of popcorn while we watch Lia play her first high school basketball game. I wish Dillon could call you to tell you his fishing stories with Laiken. I wish you could tell him it’s okay that my fat cat fishing lure broke off.
I honestly don’t remember who told me that it doesn’t get easier as the years go on, but that the years just continue to go on. Time marches on even when Mom is still learning how to fix all the things. Time marches on even when one day I can be fine putting the floral arrangement together with Mom and Lia for your headstone, but another day I can walk into the garage see your handwriting and have a tear roll down my cheek. It doesn’t get easier, time just marches on.
However, I will continue to enjoy the signs. The eagles, the black swallowtail butterflies, the blue Dodge trucks, and the men who from afar have the same stride as you or who dress like you. Today I will cherish the memories and share some with the kids. Today I will remind them once again of our conversation and you saying, “It’s simple Julie. People just need Jesus.” I want Dillon and Lia to know so many people live without the hope of Jesus. As we watch the news and see the evil being done to others, we need to help those living in the darkness. I was reading a book by Charles Martin, and he talked about how many are stuck in that darkness. They believe it is their reality. They decide life is not going to get better and some feel that God doesn’t even care about them. So just as time marches on, we need to march on to share the love and the light. We can feel all the feelings of missing you, but then we need to share the hope. Just as the sunrise pierces the sky, eliminates the darkness, and share its beauty I hope and pray JJ, Dillon, Lia, and I can pierce the darkness for others and share your simple truth, Dad.
Happy Birthday Dad! Don’t worry, we will celebrate with cake and especially ice-cream.
Nice Julie, my sentiments exactly concerning my own parents…you never stop missing them.